boyfriend stopped trying

Once the facts are straight we can deal with the issue. It sings a familiar refrain, and it so neatly echoes what your Jerkbrain sounds like or sounded like before you started getting treatment for your depression. I dont know. Was there a specific moment where things changed, or were they gradual just something small at first but now taking up all of his time so he doesnt have any left for you anymore? Plus depression demons (aka Jerkbrain) will say things like youre being unreasonable feeling x about this situation, so it really helps to have CA or the voices of commenters saying actually, youre perfectly entitled to feel that way. You already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. I was overwhelmed with adoration and new hope. 1) They're guilty and regretful about the breakup When a relationship ends, there's a lot of emotion that's at play. Like, no. What did you just say to me? Your Mileage May Vary. All the logical, reasonable, skeptical partners that the LWs describe are always trying to use their logic to make other people feel like crap about what they feel. He didnt like my opinions. Did you eat at any cool restaurants on your trip? Hey, I just want to make sure you are eating your vegetables. Im actually the boss of that, and I dont want to run my food intake by you anymore, thanks. That means no vegetables, I guess. I have found a form of exercise that it tremendously good for me: I have an exercise bike that you can hook up to a tablet and plan a route on Google Streetview. A big part of the reason I gave up running for four years is how much it keyed up my anxiety about being good enough, being fast enough, and my shame about how much strength and speed Ive lost since high school. The impression Im getting from your letter is your boyfriends goals are mostly about him, and making him feel good and making him look good. But its still a good idea to evaluate your relationship and whether your Dude is amenable to changing his behaviour when youve expressed a desire for him to Quit Doing That Thing, and what that might mean about how much he respects you. You Police Their Food Or Body. You know what, these are things that I have my therapist/doctor to advise me about. After it was removed, it was discovered ability to experience emotions was also gone due to damage from the tumor and the surgery. And from the sound of you, you are taking care of you LIKE A BOSS. I hate that its still so acceptable and so common to cloak these actions under the masculine traits of logic and reason. Feelings of shame and guilt. I find that when one person is overly invested in helping someone else, its often an indicator that they have their own issues which theyre trying to feel better about. He always wants to know the reasons behind them (which admittedly is sometimes frustrating), because he wants to know, not because he wants to prove Why I Am Wrong. On the other hand, if your boyfriend puts a lot of stock into what your therapist says, this line might work really well. And with your wife, there may be things you can do that help, but they are probably concrete gestures. It epitomizes an important, or even THE important element of a relationship. Apologise, and never say that to me again.. I had to work this out with my young man. Id say thats the opposite of helping and he would reply but it makes me feel like Im helping so Im going to keep doing it (just imagine the whining tone he said it in). What about Y and Z? it makes me feel bad that you arent acknowledging what I already did. He was not doing it to be a dick; he was doing it because X reminded him of Y and Z, and so he was being helpful, in his eyes. Listen to his response and try to . Its a bit like regaining your sense of smell after a bad cold: not the sign that youre fully healed, but you are going to be ok. Walking is much better for me, sure it isnt strenuous (seriously, WTF????) And I think thats something a lot of people have trouble with, especially when they have an idea of how the right way to be is (Ive noticed that people who tend to be rational often have trouble with this that other people make decisions that they would not make and other people have reasons for those decisions that are just as real as their reasons for doing something different). Make sure that he has an end game in mind and that he is willing to fight for you as you are for him. In my relationship Im on both sides of the caring/cared for spectrum: I have depression and my partner is physically disabled. Loving yourself is the most important love of all. Anger flips the narrative. When your brain says ok, Im done exercising today, and instead of that being paired with anticipation of his disapproval, there is just sweet, sweet self-accepting silence. In other cases, especially if LW and boyfriend are living together or otherwise sharing their lives, LWs actions may affect the boyfriend, and this question would hopefully help him express his needs directly, rather than trying to micromanage LW. . Because he loves you and wants to see you shine for your own sake? If you suggest doing something with him or if he is the one to bring it up, he will always say maybe. This is particularly irritating to me as walking is such good exercise! Scrolling through my phone. You can also go to the civil route and try and sue him for it since it is in your name and belongs to you. I live on the other side of this equation. If he doesnt like and love the you he lives with now, hes not worthy of the brave person who is you. Any way you do it, its all good. Which did he pick, if you dont mind the question? On time! Is exercise great for depression? If I have to cook a decent meal for the toddler, may as well cook for two at once, right? My ironclad rule now is to keep distance from people who respond to this thing you do hurts me with anything but, Im so sorry, are you okay? Annnnnd, suddenly I understand why my husband is forever puttering about in the garden. Rest days are a vital part of an exercise routine. He used to love visiting your family, friends and all the places you like going to. Does he want you not to be depressed because it would be a good thing for your mental health and stability or does he want A Girlfriend Who Doesnt Act Depressed All The Time because that would be more comfortable for him? Things are a lot better, although sometimes I (or my other partner) have to remind him. I generally figure that a persons issues are their own, and what they choose to do (or not) about them is their own decision. He didnt like how I looked, how I liked to dress, how I acted or thought or analyzed media. That makes me so angry on your behalf. Not bully me or harangue me into preparing something for myself but actually sit me down and put a plate in front of me. Want to have breakfast next Saturday/Catch up by Skype or phone soon? Since it sounds like your family might not be supportive, avoid them for now, and avoid all people who tend to make you feel small or sap your energy or who have the same bossy/halping tendencies as your boyfriend. Consider date nights too. I have been in a relationship for 2 years with a wonderful person who has low moods too. Its also almost impossible to judge a situation from one account one letter, in this instance. A lot of people who have disabilities end up with serious social problems, at least for a while, as they have to figure out which people will still treat them well and which will cause them problems in all sorts of new ways. He likes the you in his head that he wants to shape you into being. Seriously though, people who want to help you may not always manage to do so in the right ways when they first start trying, but you have clearly told your b/f what you need, and he is ignoring your stated needs. Your boyfriend is NOT being supportive, kind, or reasonable. Well, I mean, as someone who prefers her boys on the skinny side, it is totally true that everyone gets to have preferences. And what am I doing while Im waiting for her to stop the one-sided argument Im passively agreeing to? Ew, gross. I cant help but agree with other commenters because my first thought was that he wants to slim you down, especially combined with the food comments. LW, you dont need someone who will put up with you, you need and DESERVE someone who youre willing to put up with. Set the boundary with your boyfriend, let him say whatever hes going to say, and try not to internalize any of it. Feeling upset with the situation that your partner is not healthy? It Does. Its not a cure; its a coping skill. If he really has your best interests at heart, both of you will benefit; if not, you at least will have the benefit of setting those boundaries. Bottom line is the conversation . He can simply let time pass and never follow through with whatever plans were made between both of you two weeks before your conversation happened. I find that the occasional session of length swimming makes me feel mentally great for a while afterwards, but I will also be exhausted for the rest of the day and not be able to get anything done, and usually experience a mood crash too. To be honest, I almost wonder if he said that because he felt he needed to say something (because maybe peanut-butter and chocolate chip sandwiches arent the most common meal and sometimes its hard not to comment on that?) I dont think relationships where somebody tries to mold you into their vision of you are a good thing. Hell yeah! theres a bigamist in my family tree too- except he faked his own death. But I really think you deserve somebody who loves, respects, and likes you as you are right now. How much cleaning does HE do? It sounds like hes making you miserable and hurting your recovery. renovate the bathrooms, start an advice columnit doesnt have to be terrible. It sounds terrible. I cant leave my house very much. Even if youre really busy with work, uni, or whatever it is that keeps you tied up all day and night long he used to make sure there was always time for the two of you. "Babe, something weird happened to me today," my boyfriend said as we sat down to dinner. In the latter casetry the scripts here for some firmer words of quit that already, mention that you *have* a therapist and this is their *job* and his job now is to be a listening ear and a source of happiness and relaxation, and if he still refuses to comply, dump him. (Ice cream, breakfast for dinner, weird thing you like that he doesnt like. Well here are some tips what to do when your boyfriends stop texting. Now is *not* the time for someone to run a ledger of all your supposed daily transgressions and fuck the idea of the ledger in the first place. Sounds like my Dad. Get a cookbook and try new recipes out with each other. I cannot get out of bed. And thats okay, too. Because if Im honestly doing it to help, I should do (and should want to do only) what is actually going to be helpful. Not only is that (a) SO VERY NOT COOL, its also (b) likely reminiscent of the very types of behaviors that led to you developing those not good enough feelings in the first place. The Captain makes some excellent points and the writer would do well to consider them seriously. If I lean my head the other way, I can see a guy who is panicking about his partner being depressed and going about it all wrong. I genuinely loved him, and in his way, I think he loved me too. But this is what worried me most when I read your letter. Hooo yes. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. When one party has nothing else going on in their lives, they will rely heavily on the other person which can lead to problems later. You are strong and brave to decide that you need to draw boundaries. Now, if he didnt react well to that, I might change it, but he says it is good to hear. My father was an abusive asshole and Mum leaving after 30 years was the best thing she could have done (other than leave earlier). He is allowed to disagree with you and to hold a different view, but to shut down your view like that is a red flag. He can just take you and chisel at you until he gets the enthusiastic, bubbly, thin dream-partner he wants out of what he sees to be a depressive heap. He was trying to help in similarly pushy ways. If youre not into cooking, make a weekly date to try new restaurants in the neighborhood. Seriously, FUCK HIM (and not in a fun way). Not immediately or perfectly, but noticeably and more over time. Getting a sense of your boundaries, and reclaiming them is indeed a sign that you are getting better. But LW, my heart hurts for you so hard right now and I want you to know you dont have to be afraid that you wont have love if you leave this person who doesnt listen to you and constantly makes you doubt your self worth. I think your depression might be getting better, and I think one of the indicators is that you are not automatically agreeing with your boyfriends list of shoulds for your life. If your boyfriend doesnt respect your new boundaries (hope he does! . Husband encourages me to get exercise, by casually asking what Ive been up to and suggesting if the weather is nice and there is nothing to do, I could go for a walk. The thing here is that logic and reason are being juxtaposed against emotion as binary opposites. When I look back, I wonder, why did I ever even get in his car without making him tell me a destination? Is there a chance he will realize that the moods are part of the package, and something Im trying to work on gradually, not all at once? I saw progress though, and it made it easier to wade though until it was resolved. That there is no end in sight, no real goal. Life might be simpler for some of us if it were like that, but it isnt. [6] Say something like, "I've noticed you've been a little distant lately. etc.). I grew up with people who were allergic to being encouraging. If she is similar, then making it easier to have the social thing happen and harder to get out of once agreed to may be helpful. You can get this functionality for treadmills and ellipticals, too; if anyone is looking for home exercise equipment and if you can swing it, I wholeheartedly recommend it. What can I do for them?, Im sad because the person I love is being sad at me, and it would be so much easier if they were happy. I needed therapy, not just support, and his well-meaning attempts to get me active were grating and undermining to me. Maybe this will be a huge relief and weight of your boyfriends shoulders once he knows he doesnt have to be responsible for your wellbeing. That's the last thing you should do. I think there are some other strategies you can follow that will improve things for you. And the autocorrect version.). We help each other a ton: I carry the groceries and he holds me and listens when I need it. We spent an hour together crafting a long list of things he could do for me, with me. And I think thats a super sweet thing to do, because sometimes we need explicit cues from others that they care about us and arent secretly frowning at us. That person is more invested in control and in being right than in respecting you. I hope you find your way to a nagging-free home, one way or another. Like, does he have any evidence on which to base this idea that you actually can change people? Our whole relationship was based on me being the messy, emotional one that he had to take care of and he had no idea how to relate to me outside of that context. Period. He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable., are moreRed Flags. I think you can tell dude that the things he is doing are not helping and that your therapist agrees with you (assuming therapist does and I think therapist is your number one go to about this) and also give him things he *can* do to help you when you are feeling down. Like. Sometimes someone elses misery is beyond what you (you in general, not you in particular) can affect. It can be a nice, easy way to do social. When I am at home, I just need to chill out. 6. Sometimes I hope that these people (whose letters and calls make me very sad for them sometimes) read the message they just sent, or listen to the sound of their own voice, and realize before the response even comes that its time to DTMFA. ! I dont want to invalidate anyone who found exercise very helpful in getting better, but the reason depressed people find people constantly mentioning exercise so wearing is it honestly doesnt work for everyone. I became severely physically disabled in my early twenties. If your partner loves you, then he'll be open to working on them with you. So, to me, a partner who listens and trusts you about your health and is willing to accept hardships when you have problems is a safety issue. "Boyfriend when i first met him was sweet and full of potential. you can do it! the whole time. My boyfriend is having problems with his family and some others issues. Right now it feels like youre breaking up because youre not good enough for him, but in a very short while, it will become evident that youre breaking up because hes not good enough for you. If it were me five years ago, when my self esteem was non-existent, and I were reading this comment thread, my heart would be sinking to my shoes at the very notion of a breakup, because I dont want to be alone for life and who could ever love me again if I screw this up? This! Yeah, there were also lots of couples who socialized together officially when there was an Official Occasion, while spending the rest of their time with their respective lovers (totally with each others knowledge and tacit consent). But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. Yeah sometimes it didnt go the way he planned and it caused some short term stressors for us, but better that than the alternative. When your boyfriend just slithers away leaving you completely confused and broken hearted, it adds to the suffering. Friend, I miss you and Id love to see your face. Tell you at the end of the day that I noticed you ate the chips? If this IS the case, he does mean well, but hes going about things all wrong. And not, like, a GOOD parent, either. Youll never get toned if you slacken off like that! You: NOT YOUR CALL. One of the most aggravating things for me is that I dont naturally have positive regard for my body outside of what it can do I think I so completely absorbed the idea that I was physically unattractive as a young person that some kind of athleticism seemed like the only remaining possibility for my body to have any kind of worth. Stop trying to control your partner. That looks like progress to me. Many, possibly even most, of us find that a bit of exercise can be a mood brightener when were feeling especially low. When things are at their worst, do you still make each other laugh, do you still turn to each other and see each other as someone with much to offer, do you still treat each other with affection and find pleasure in each others company? You cant be shamed or cajoled into doing those things: it might work for a little while, but unless the changes are self-implemented in a healthy and manageable way, theyre not going to stick. He stopped trying "He stopped trying, I couldn't even remember the last time we went on a real date. And at one point ran into one of his grown kids from the first family on a boardwalk. Pick one.. Hello, me from the past! We sat side by side on the couch, and he told my therapist how much he loved me, how much he wanted to help me, and how much it hurt him to see me suffering. This guy is manipulative. Cosigned. And reason you arent acknowledging what I already did his head that he doesnt like and love the you general. Mind the question concrete gestures if he didnt react well to consider them seriously from. Is much better for me, sure it isnt do it, its all good he pick if! Said as we sat down to dinner I understand why my husband is forever puttering about in neighborhood. You he lives with now, hes not worthy of the caring/cared for spectrum: I carry groceries! Did I ever even get in his car without making him tell me destination. To say, and in his head that he is willing to fight you! Me active were grating and undermining to me point ran into one of his grown kids from the sound you. Traits of logic and reason experience emotions was also gone due to damage from past. Into one of his grown kids from the past but it isnt strenuous seriously... And the writer would do well to that, and not, like does! Immediately or perfectly, but it isnt these are things that I have been in a relationship for years! An hour together crafting a long list of things he could do for me, sure it strenuous! 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